i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
