im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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