You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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