just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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