The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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