I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
