brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
oh god the rape fog is back!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
