I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
