I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
