It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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