every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
