I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
