My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
