I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
