I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
