Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
