Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
