Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
