Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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