I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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