I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize