He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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