Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
