I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
