Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I want a musical about memes.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
