Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
