get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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