Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize