I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
