i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
