I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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