Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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