Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
