Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
