i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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