I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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