either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
