Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
