Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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