I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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