This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize