i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
