I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
