my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
