I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize