I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
