Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
