how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Houston, we have a blender
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
