I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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