I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
