We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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