Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
