he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
