tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
